driving for jesus!

it frightens me when sixteen year old bits are still so fucking relevant…

…but then again their fictional textbook is over two thousand years old at it’s newest, so i guess my shit still falls in the “new release” column!

05/24/2002: “swimming with the fishes”

okay, so i’ve been driving around lately. a LOT. i’ve been to sa so many times in the last couple of months, i’ve lost count. i’ve had to drive around the valley. and corpus. and i never even bring up the 84 mile commute i deal with on a day-to-day basis (that IS round trip, not just one way). but in all my travels, i’ve noticed something. a theologically-based phenomenon….

i never see someone with a bumper sticker that says “pagan and proud” cut me off in traffic. i’ve never seen someone with a sticker that says, “doing my part to piss off the religious right” drive 20 mph in the fast lane. but those people with the damn fish on the back? that’s a whole different story. and i’m NOT talking about the “darwin” fish…

they have their own set of rules, and i believe i have cracked their code. so without further ado, i cometh down from the mountain, and the lord has given unto us these…

TEN COMMANDMENTS……..of driving.

1. thou shalt not deny anyone the right of way. be it somebody who just left a parking lot, or just wants over “just because”, you should let them in front of you. remember, do unto others…those who have been behind you for the last twenty minutes should forgive you. except that guy in the truck with the www.astrofish.net bumper sticker who’s reloading his shotgun right now. watch out for him…

2. thou shalt not drive the speed limit. “65”? sounds a bit to much like “666”, don’t ya think? you should drive 40…the number “40” is very popular in the bible….and with good reason. sometimes one needs to chug one to get through the rough chapters….oops….i didn’t mean to say that out loud.

3. remember the left lane and keep it holy. The left lane is typically inhabited by “speed demons”. christians HATE demons. so, get behind me satan…we’re here, we hate queers, get used to it. just drive 40, and don’t rush. oh, being late may you lose your job? don’t worry…the lord will provide…

4. thou shalt not use your turn signal to change lanes. it’s a “turn signal”, not a “change lanes” signal. that goes for getting into parking spaces, too. if the good lord had meant for it to be uses in all these applications, it would be called the “turn or park or change lanes signal”.

5. thou shalt remember that you drive your car; it should not drive itself. therefore, cruise control is a tool of the devil….so don’t even THINK about it.

6. thou shalt allow forty yards and forty feet to pass between you and the car in front of you. Better safe then sorry. If sudden stop demons attack them, you’ll be a safe distance away to pray for their souls accordingly.

7. thou shalt not put others before me, and that includes back window placement. if your little one made the honor roll and you feel the need to advertise it, fine. they brought you happiness…i brought you THEM. don’t EVEN get me started on this one; just give me my equal time.

8. thou shalt not practice the “it’s better to give then receive” rule when it comes to finger gestures. no need to take what they say personally; just realize i WILL get them for you.

9. thou shalt not let them pass. keep in front of them at all costs for two reasons…
a. it helps fight off the speed demons and shows them to be respectful of the law
b. it keeps them looking at your back bumper or window, where you ALWAYS put my stickers.

10. thou shalt not realize that some of these commandments contradict each other. lot’s of what i say contradicts itself and you never caught it before. why start now?

amen.

now go in peace…and run these bastards off the road. the quicker we do, the quicker they’re out of our way, and on to their “reward”. see? it’s a win-win situation.

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