romantic success in only ten steps away – two less than sobriety! (a flashback)

nowadays i’m too lazy to do sunday six packs (or “sixers” as i’d come to call them, even being too lazy to type the words “six pack”)…

…but sixteen years ago, i’d even do top ten lists!

check it out:

04/06/2002: “get you some, boy”

so, after several long days in a row at the salt mines, i figured a friday night at home was in order, especially since i DO have to work saturday and all. hit heb on the way, and noticed a lot of single guys there; guys that don’t HAVE to be single. i have some advice, boys. stick with me and you can upgrade from that lowly bus station skank you’re used to getting. you can get better. like a stripper from that place over near the airport where the cops are always having to go. or that woman that’s in her mid to late thirties but still dresses kinda like kelly bundy from married with children..the one that’s ALWAYS alone and on the prowl at the bar in a pool hall. oh yes, your lonely nights can be over with a six pack of advice (plus four…you know i always make it an even ten here). ladies, don’t bother reading on…the dating and mating secrets are not meant for your eyes…

1. don’t bathe. you know what women like, guys? NATURAL smell. not calvin or tommy’s version of what your supposed to smell like; YOUR smell. if you go out smelling like ralph lauren’s version of a guy, you’re gonna attract a girl who wants ralph lauren…or maybe worse, ralph himself. just let it all hang out, and see if there’s anything to this pheromone horse shit they try and feed us.

2. talk about porn a lot. a woman likes a man who knows how to satisfy her in the sack. talking openly about your porn collection doesn’t make you look like some type of pervert; it show’s you’ve done your homework. they’ll wonder what you’ve learned, and will be eager pupils wanting to milk your knowledge, and maybe milk a whole lot more.

3. drink heavily on the first date. i can’t stress this one enough….it solves SO many problems. first off, a woman will always go for a manly man. a REAL man. and real men can hold their liquor. drinking a lot will show her you can do that. plus, it takes the edge off and helps you be more charming. plus, if you’re just out cruising for some tail, it’ll lower your standards a bit and help increase the herd you have to choose from. it’s a numbers game. kinda like the lottery, but with nookie instead of the six mil.

4. be a stubbly stud. let’s face it, some of you guys out there are just TOO pretty, let a little of that stubble grow to show you’re a man. otherwise, if you drink a bit TOO much, and wander into the wrong kind of bar, you might be confused for a short-haired chick. next thing you know, you DO have a woman, but she’s trying to drag you to an indigo girls concert or something…and eventually the truth will come out (try NOT to let that happen at the indigo show) and things will end. badly. and if you DO let this be revealed at the indigo girls show, i’ll look for you at breakfast. on the side of my milk carton. you poor bastard.

5. learn a few sure-fire pick up lines. fuck what cosmo says, some of these really work. like, “you know something sugar buns? big butts drive me NUTS”. or, “you might recognize me from some of my more ADULT oriented film work” (refer back to number two) on the same note, i’ve also found, “do you do anal?”, or “you don’t spit, do you?” are good ice breakers. try to avoid, “ever seen a crisp new fifty? wanna earn it the HARD way?” that can get you shot in certain parts of town.

6. let your stained side show through. nobody likes a guy with a sissy job. a few stains on your wife beater (or better yet, a shirt with your NAME on the front of it) show’s that you DON’T work in a bank. that you’re willing to get your hands (and whatever else) dirty. don’t be afraid to look macho. much like that cologne the sissy-boys wear, you’ll find a little dab’ll do you when it comes to transmission fluid…i don’t have a shirt with my name on it, but i DO have my name (and a cartoon of myself) TATTOOED on my right bicep. but let’s not set your bar too high just yet…do you REALLY think you can be as cool as me? come on now….

7. six packs are for the fridge, not your waistline. a girl will appreciate a gut more than you think. it shows you don’t worry about yourself too much, so you can spend more time on the finer things in life…working on your car, and drinking with your buddies. plus, if YOUR stomach isn’t as flat as a beer joint pool table, how on earth can you criticize her for having a little cushion for the pushin’? and if you’ve got one of those gorilla guts that gives her a place to set her purse down on one of her six bathroom trips in an hour, all the better…as long as it matches your shoes (kinda broke character with that last line, didn’t i? fuck y’all)

8. mark your territory. NOTE: this does NOT mean piss on her. that will not go over well. unless she’s into that kind of thing, which would mean one of two things:

a. she has deep-seeded psychological issues that unless you have a phd in psychology you should NOT attempt to unravel.

or…

b. you picked this one up off the WRONG fucking website. either way, run like mexican water through a first-time tourist.

what i meant was, don’t be afraid to beat the hell out of anyone else that hits on her. this is the most primal of machismo, and women LOVE it. of course, if it’s a WOMAN that hits on her, make sure both ladies are happy and protected from anyone else at the bar, then drop by best buy on the way home and max your visa on a digital camera. make me proud, son…

9. make sure the goods are in the spotlight. grab your crotch occasionally and adjust yourself. if you’re in one of THOSE austin bars, don’t make some comment about adjusting jewelry “down there” unless you actually have some (i do, but still avoid those types of comments…okay, so maybe by “avoid those types of comments” i meant flash polaroids around to see who’s interested…don’t hassle me with syntax here) the point is, make sure some wang focus happens early and often. gets their mind where YOU want it to be…try one of those t-shirts that has an arrow pointed down there and says, “tickle THIS elmo”. that ought to do it…

and finally….

10. only follow about 42% of what i listed, or you’re FUCKED. but you have to know which 42%…how many of you really thought i was serious about all of this? i KNOW you ladies didn’t, did you? i mean, i knew you’d read it ’cause i said not to, but c’mon…

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