the sack-shriveling chronicles, volume ii

so forgive the shortness of this one, but it was a long, shitty day where nothing worked, and save for my health and automotive catastrophe, all went wrong. and even though clerks IS on cinemax right now, it’s almost 1:30 am mountain time, and i have to get up in a bit more than five hours. combine that with great pizza, gentleman jack, and a good nicaraguan cigar and i’m surprised i’m still upright…but back to the terror that was tuesday in the rockies…

people not doing their job, long trips, etc, etc…just overall, not good. but i’m not dying alone in bed with my cats from small pox given to me from middle eastern terrorists in the lobby of a county hospital when i was being a good neighbor, so things could be worse…but never mind that now. and for the record, i prefer the term “surrounded by pussy” over the term “alone in bed with my cats”…especially since i don’t OWN any cats, and would prefer the term be more accurate when i head towards the light, as it were…and for the record, the “diamond cabaret and steakhouse” in downtown denver is both a steakhouse (as in dead cows on a plate for dinner) AND a cabaret (as in tits in your face while you dine). nice. now you know where dinner (and possibly desert) will be had tomorrow night. but i digress…at least today i saw real MOUNTAINS for the first time. and not the silicone kind (that will be tomorrow, apparently)…absolutely breathtaking…on both counts, i figure.

it’s not so much the lack of heat, but the lack of humidity. i am feeling mighty dry. my shaved head, my lips, my nose and throat, my whole damn body is in need of moisture…not meant in the “need to get fucked” way…although that certainly applies. but why depress myself when i don’t have to, right? romantic types would call the air up here “crisp”…that means fucking DRY!!! like, if cotton was available in gas form, it would be the air here. as in, you should PRAY your belvedere martinis were this dry (and liquor stores are open till midnight here!!!) it’s late, i’m tired, and here’s the tuesday six pack…six things colorado has WAY too much of, some of which surprised me….let’s split it three and three…guess which is which.

1. mexican food restaurants
2. liquor stores
3. new age shops
4. guys that look like a blend of tom hanks in castaway and kenny loggins from the seventies
5. SUVs
6. babbling crack whores that seem to follow me everywhere i go

believe it or not, denver (and the denver area) beat the HELL out of texas five for six on this one, with five being the exception, and four being the one i’m most thankful we’re lacking in…and i have yet to see a roll of duct tape around here, but maybe they’re all in the DIA gift shop.

Replies: 5 Comments


Dr. Teeth said @ 01/21/2003 05:29 PM CST

Avoid the Mex places, if possible, and stick with the steaks (boobs or no.) As an exercise in reporting, though try this: right before you go, get a local you respect to recommend a Mexican place in your price range. Go eat there. Get on plane. Go eat at Flores or any one of the million in Austin. Compare and contrast publicly. After you finish thanking the Good Lord for Texas.

Scott Chaffin said @ 01/20/2003 10:33 AM CST

Sigh. I miss Denver.

Remember the good things:

1) DOA is a mere portal to the city. You don’t have to stay there long. Stapleton was a much better airport!

2) The women at Diamonds will be shaved…so no hair in the food, Josh

3) You can get a humidifier if need be for that dry air problem.

4) You don’t have to live there. I liked 2 of the 4 years I lived there. It’s an interesting place.

5) Josephina’s. Get the chocolate cake thing.

6) You can get away with drinking LESS….because of the altitude. You get drunk lots faster, save yourself some money!

Da Goddess said @ 01/15/2003 10:02 PM CST

well, only if they’re “bob’s” kinda girls…

sean said @ 01/15/2003 10:33 AM CST

cabaret and steakhouse…new meaning to hair in your food.

josh said @ 01/15/2003 10:12 AM CST

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