old porn (not septuagenarian s & m tapes…i swear!!!)

an oldie but a goodie…

this weeks more than a year old repeat. some of you will be upset you hadn’t read this one before; it came out of an office conversation where i was tossing out specific phrases you could do google searches on and ONLY the whore would appear. one of them was the porno title in this one…

here’s what i don’t understand. if you go into any reputable tattoo studio (like sharp things tattoos and body piercings, aka ‘harold’s place’, on the square in san marcos, 512-353-1170) at 2:30 am and they can see by the look in your eye that you’ve been drinking, they WON’T do anything with you. your money is NO good there. so why is it that a reputable (if there is such a thing) porno shop can’t have the same policy? you end up waking up to some funky stuff in your vcr. but i’m getting WAY ahead of myself here, so let’s move on and get back to this later…

the day at a glance….outta bed and couch meat by 10:00…meat delivered to couch (fried chicken..but it WAS delivered) around noon, then off to san marcos, then the office, la zona, and the hockey stadium (if any of this sounds abundantly fun, keep in mind i WAS working); post-game, and junior and i were supposed to go eat. then josh joined in. then iris. all of a sudden we’re a gang of four on a quest for chinese…we arrive at 9:57, which i don’t sweat because i called and they said the place closed at 10:30…which is TECHNICALLY true. but they list their buffet hours as being done at 10:00, so rolling in iris-free at 9:57, with her joining in about ten minutes later, and all of a sudden my “WHT STN” license plates are fitting once again in the eyes of the asian staff and latino cooks of the place. good to keep a theme alive, i suppose.

“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”
“we’re about to break down the buffet, so if you want anything more, like DESSERT or something, you’ll wanna grab it NOW”
“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”
“can i get your plate?”
“are you all paying together or separate?”
“are you finished?”
“need your check now?”

this was the extent of what we heard, echoing the first two lines over and over and over again. hint taken, margaret cho…we’re outta here.

(yes, i know maragret cho is korean…it was a joke…just not a very good one)

then it was off to slick willie’s for pool and booze. things felt a bit odd though, since only josh and i participated 100% in this plan….junior doesn’t drink, and iris doesn’t play pool. chose the joint ’cause at jim’s bachelor party we saw our buddy rich for the first time in years and he told us he managed the place. i go, but he’s not there…he switched locations. then i realize that jim and katy just celebrated their one year anniversary, and now i realize i need to keep better track of my friends. so after an hour of the LONGEST games of eight ball EVER, the group splinters and i end up down on sixth street, which can be summed up this way….

the crown and cokes are better at slick willie’s than they are at touche’s but nothing compared to the ones at casino el camino. and this sums up the 12:00-2:00am slot of my night. which brings us back to the beginning line of this little entry. and if porn references get any of you guys (or girls) all revved up for some hot, naked action with my friend kimberly, the porno-slut in training, understand that only ONE of the readers of this page gets to experience it, because it turns out she’s NOT single (oops), and her boyfriend is a loyal astrowhore reader (too loyal, actually…he actually TRIED the raspberry frapuccino…but anyone who finds me entertaining enough to stop by here often is okay by me) so he’ll be the only one who gets to have hot kimberly thoughts when i bring up porn from now on. but now for what’s REALLY scary…

i actually saw it. i couldn’t believe it, but it exists.

midget clown anal porn tapes – “lil’ bozo’s big top booty romp”

unbefuckinleivable.

the shit i buy when i’ve been drinkin’.

here’s what’s scary…that’s the one on the entertainment center. but the receipt clearly states that i took advantage of the “2 for $14.99” special. (did you honestly expect that to be an expensive title??) the other one is still in the vcr. i am WAY too mortified to push play at this point. i think i’m just gonna pawn the vcr with the tape in it and never look back, ’cause i can’t find the case. and this, my faithful readers, is why they need to check your BAC (blood alcohol content) at the door of any adult video store. although i guess if they did, this shit wouldn’t sell…why do i have a feeling this will get me NO “blow stuff” donations, but more than a fair share of comments?