remember when i used to work for corporate america?
like REAL corporate america? yeah, i try to mentally block it, too:
speak n’ hell
by sean ~ December 9th, 2003.
so, i must admit, i’m still a little edgy about updating the ol’ whore from the land of hell. for one, they keep us nutsack-slammed the whole time we’re there…
for another, it’s the kind of “corporate” work environment where terms like “nutsack-slammed” are not supposed to be used. this is odd for me. keep in mind, this is the first time i’ve had a job where i couldn’t wear shorts to work. but earlier i was figuring what my check next friday would be, and i realized that with all the overtime i’m banking, my next couple of checks will be about the same size as the ones i was getting used to from star…
the difference is, these are WEEKLY…the star ones were the same size, but only came half as often.
shame i’m so far behind on bills i can’t enjoy these…yet.
but back to the “corporate culture”. certain things i’m used to being able to say out loud that now i think wouldn’t fly. for example, we’ve all been stuck in that phone maze where you go from department to department, occasionally dead ending in voice mail, then dialing back in, shrieking “i just wanna talk to a fucking human being!!!” and being put on hold. when such a customer got to me the other day, and i took care of her (not meant in a sexual or mafia hit man way…meant in a customer sale way) i referred to her previous dilemma in terms i could have used in my old job. terms like, “she was passed around more times than…”
1. “…a joint at a pink floyd show”
2. “…the pretty cousin at an arkansas family reunion”
3. “…a bottle of dickel at a hobo camp out”
4. “…your sister at a border town bachelor party”
5. “…the last needle at keith richard’s sunday brunch”
6. “…the ‘tough’ boy band member in a prison yard”
but again, all of these were deemed unacceptable when i polled a couple of coworkers (that i was told could keep their mouths shut). like when i got out of the “office” (a building larger than many shopping malls…as an example, we have our own wells fargo bank branch) the temperature had dropped off by about thirty degrees. i was in a short-sleeved shirt, jeans, and no jacket. when the cold wind hit me (for those who know me, i’m actually SNIFFLY…how often does that happen?)i wanted to yell out, “FUCK, it’s cold…”. or call it a “sack-shriveler”.
again, not appropriate.
already in the throws of writing my first book (contains 75% recycled materials – the astrowhore chronicles, volume one – due out on astrofish.net press in january 2004) and plotting my second (a mystery, as yet to be titled, but story boards are in place) i’m starting on my third…”can i tell my lawyer what you said?”, the corporate speak to sean speak conversion dictionary and cubicle survival guide. i’m figuring that one should be out by my next birthday in june…just need to do more research.
and over thirteen years later those books are still not in existence. see, ladies – never trust some artsy dick that says he’s “working on his novel”…