i USED to be a good writer…
…i’m not sure what happened to me.
i am sure i’ve liked a lot of the older stuff i’ve come across doing the bits for the week off, which i’ll be throwing more than few in the archives. here’s one i thought was pretty good…
[Previous entry: “koRn and pussy…not just an ffa initiation anymore!!!”] [Main Index] [Next entry: “you found covered parking WHERE?”] 11/03/2002: “i never wanna see you again…or do i?”
a wet, grey, slightly nippy saturday night. perfect get stoned and fuck like bunnies kinda weather. unless, of course, you’re spending the evening alone like i was. then that plan doesn’t quite work; thus enter josh (no, not that we’re THAT kinda friends…that whole “both of us are straight” think kinda hinders that, thank christ) so it was off for that more tame of manly evenings…pool, booze, and mexican food. the latter of which was just a cabana closer, so never mind that now…
what i learned was that with the right mix of booze and smoking i can absolutely wipe up the table with josh. that was nice (sorry boy, but it was). then after two hours of slaughtering him at eight ball, it was off to cabana. and that’s where it hit me.
my mind can be a dangerous thing. sometimes things just pop into it for no reason and this is typically where they end up. last night a phrase went through my head and i thought to myself, “man, it would suck to hear THAT on a first date…in fact, that would kinda make it a last one, too”. and from there, it was on.
so here’s your sunday six pack (a couple of them, by the time i was done): a list of things that if they come out of her mouth on the first date, it probably needs to be the last one, too…for that matter, i should hope this stuff doesn’t clear the lip line EVER…
1. the waiter’s cock. but hey, at least it SHOULD mean you get the meal for free…and if not, with skills that poor it should have been the last date anyway…
(oh wait…i meant for this to be things she SAYS on the first date…my bad. let’s start over)
1. “you’re the first guy i’ve been on a date with since i…you know…’got out’ and all”.
2. “another beer? hell yeah!!! my sponsor says i need to slow down but what the fuck does she know?”
3. “…and that’s how i learned the difference between an ‘indictment’ and a ‘conviction’.”
4. “oh shit…i think that’s the guy that used to be my pimp.”
5. “they are SO not kidding when they talk about how addictive that heroin shit is…”
6. “you’re not a cop, are you? ’cause if you are, you HAVE to tell me since i asked…”
(and as a bonus)
7. “i think that busboy was one of the guys that tried to help me break that gang-bang world record…”
(okay, so that last one might not really be the kiss of death…)
here’s a six pack of things to LOOK for; but let’s be honest about the possibilities of life going this well for you, ya know?
1. “i NEVER do anal…well, not on the first date at least…”
2. “and so when my eighty-nine year old uncle jasper dies, that distillery is all mine…”
3. “you’re the first guy i’ve really felt attracted to since i switched to mainly being a lesbian”
4. “i KNOW they look fake, but they’re really real…check ’em out.”
5. “it might just be the margarita talking, but my room mate tyfany’s been looking for a guy for us to have a threesome with, so if you’re not in a hurry to make it home…”
6. “and since that little mishap getting my tonsils removed when i was thirteen, i have no gag reflex at all…”
(oh yeah…and the bonus for THIS half…)
7. “my birthday…my mom’s birthday…and my dad’s birthday. six little numbers, one little lotto ticket, and now i never have to work again…”