mr. seanwell six pack (kramer alley-oop remix)

i don’t mean to sound gay or nothin’…

…but one happy hour, a little over a week ago, yielded six fashion “don’ts” for me. not that i feel i need to regulate this sort of thing per se, but they just irk me, so if you see anybody doing the following feel free to kick their ass and say you did it ’cause i told you to. i’ll get your back…

…but not your bail.

6. “pedro” shirts – yes, we all saw napoleon dynamite. truth be told, i only saw it ’cause a really pretty mexican girl (i.e. “sean’s ruin”) that worked in the theater said i’d like it. i went. i watched. i came out and told her she could keep my money, but i wanted my two hours back. she said she couldn’t do that, so i aksed for her manager. told him i wanted my two hours back – that the movie sucked so bad i didn’t care about the five bucks, so long as it could be 4:30 again. he reached up and changed the time on the wall clock in the box office. i laughed for the first time in two hours and some change. grew to like it con cable though. regardless, let the pedro shirts go for the love of god – nobody will think they’re funny or cool for another fifteen years or so when we start wearing the 2000 fashions in 2020…kinda like 1980’s shit today.

5. bald and beard – so up until recently, i did the overall five o’clock shadow thing with clippers, trimming the neck clean. i had stopped shaving all the way when i met alex (she didn’t like it as much, and it IS easier going with nothing but clippers – but now that i have so much time on my hands, i decided to try the “clean life” again (at least where my scalp was concerned) and so i started shaving again. i DID grow out the little moustache / goatee thing i’d had forever (the “ring of fur”, as i call it) but i’ll never understand the beard that just suddenly ends at the ears or, even worse, the floating sideburns – sightings of those are rare, but camera phone one and send it my way if you can – i think some are convinced that this doesn’t really exist…

4. fuzzy boots – seriously, ladies – what’s with trying to look like the hottest thing in anchorage? i can see the whole ugg thing – the suede boots with the shearling lining. keep your feet warm – i know, i own some slippers from them. but the fur trip at the top? even worse, going down the front with those little poof ball thingies? makes me want to club a seal…just to get in warm-up swings before i go after you!

3. muffin top jeans – or “shroom sisters” or “portabello girls” as i call them – the ones with the massive gut spill over because now, thanks to the ultra-low-rise craze, they can wedge a size eight jeans up under the midsection that used to demand a size sixteen. your scales not lying – you actually didn’t lose weight – just ’cause you can wedge into those smaller ones, didn’t mean what WAS there isn’t STILL there – you just moved it. sadly, the rest of us found it. seriously, none of us can see the tag under the waist that shows your true size…but ALL of the club can see the spill over. girl, hide your shame…

2. muffing-girls with crop tops – kramer added this one, and if you go to SA you’ll see why. see all of previous entry, but re-read the “girl, hide your shame…” line a few extra times. then sprinkle some powdered sugar on it? eeeewwww…

1. socks and sandals – i almost flipped this with the bald/beard one for personal reasons, but i feel this one goes back further and deserves the higher place for more frequent breakage and historical purposes. seriously – no reason for this EVER. the guy i saw at the aforementioned happy hour was actually doing it with FLIP-FLOPS!!! can you picture that toe strap pulling at a sock all day? talk about a recipe for ingrown toenails – and there’s no reason to look THAT geeky and not be comfortable as hell…so as april approacheth, please – put the socks aways unless you’ve got shoes to go with. that’s why the phrase “shoes and socks” sounds natural, but “flip flops and socks” does not. and if it does, please lose my url…