broken hearts and falling prices

i honestly don’t know what the title of this bit means…

…which is sad to say on many levels.

this is being written at work, so i’m sober. and awake and alert. and, honestly, i AM the motherfucker that wrote it, so if it makes sense to anybody, it should make sense to me. but now that i look at it, it really doesn’t…and at this point i’ve committed enough copy to it that i have to leave instead of pulling out one that makes complete sense, because then all this part of the bit will be lost.

well, damn.

one of the first things i ever wrote for the astrofish family of sites (of which this is a bit of a bastard stepchild) was a bit, dictated while trying to let my body digest me trying to “win” against the texas rib kings buffet (i won the battle, it won the war) and was something to the effect of a “top ten reasons you shouldn’t shop at a truck stop for valentine’s gifts” and i was able to quote chapter and verse tacky ass shit you could find due to my time on the road with star tickets, mainly in oklafuckinhoma and west texas…

…where tacky shit breeds!

all that being said, this IS the last sixer before valentine’s day, so i figured i’d do one that goes back to my roots, so with that in mind i’ll do a sixer called:

six places to avoid buying valentine’s day shit even though they sell it

victoria’s secret – this might surprise people, but it’s a really slippery slope here (pun intended)…if you guess the wrong size and get something too large, you’re really fucked (or not fucked, as the case may be), plus you have a high possibility of going too slutty (or not slutty enough) and you’ll spend a lot and it’s just going to end up balled up in the end of the covers either way so is it worth it? i don’t think so…

the truck stop – let’s not mince words here; you might as well be shopping at 7-11. and nothing about buying shit where i buy lotto tickets says “romance”. to anybody. ever. i won’t even bother referencing the original top ten list from nineteen-ninety-whatever…

the tattoo shop – oh, who the fuck am i kidding…as long as you don’t get a name, go for it. shit, it pays my bills in a round about way.

walgreen’s or cvs or wal-mart or… – this along with your local grocery store has a couple of disadvantages. number one, chances are whatever you get has been done…a lot. you’re not going to get creative points here. plus, the element of surprise is ruined because all of these places have all the same stuff and lots of it and it’s everywhere, so if your significant other has had a prescription filled recently (in order to agree to marry me you gotta be pretty medicated, right?) or had to grab some last minute item they’ve wandered down this aisle…and if they wanted some of that cheap crap they probably woulda gotten it themselves. for that matter…

cabela’s or bass pro shop – i figure i’ll do one for the ladies (although i’m trying to keep these all pretty unisex). pretty simple, really…unless you fish, hunt, shoot, or participate in any of the activities these people cater to, this will probably not go well. then again, as guys (at least in my case) we don’t expect ANYTHING for valentine’s day, so you’re better off just not. and if you’re here for your girl, and she’s never expressed ANY interest in hunting, fishing, or what have you then let’s face it: you’re just buying for yourself, even if what you’re buying is pink. learned this the hard way with a raspberry pink ruger at xmas…

(and yes, kramer, i am well aware putting this in assures me a comment from you…)

the smut shop – with the death of the paper printed word and the internet finally removing that fear of you being spotted by somebody from your church choir renting all asian anal volume four (this title is real and has an interesting history with me, but not the one you’d think) the smut shops have to lean more towards apparel and toys and such. surprisingly some of the ones still exists where women will model said things for you, but i don’t think taking such items home “lightly used” goes over well. again, unless you could bet a shoebox full of twenties that your significant other really wants a glow-in-the-dark vibrating butt plug that looks like a lawn gnome (or what have you) this might not end the night well for you…