bonus lucky flashback friday bonus sixer

don’t worry, this isn’t a sad bit about budnik’s doppelganger that died almost four years ago…

…no, this is a “lucky” flashback friday bonus sixer because i didn’t have a particular bit picked out for the flashback today, so i just yelled out to the ufc’s kid, g&p oz, to “pick a number somewhere in the 300s” because the bits on this kramer backup disc circa 2003 i found just has bits numbered, with no hint at subject or content – and he called out “350”, which just happened to be…

10/14/2002: “ya never know what message one might be”

the following was phoned into my answering machine late on friday night, after three days of hard work in sa that more than doubled our outlet presence. my friday night plans got changed more times than the lotion refill inside a twenty-four hour nudie booth (not that i’d know about such things, of course) and ended up with me, all by my lonesome, eating fajita nachos, drinking THE most evil drink on the planet (frozen jack and coke…kinda like an adult slurpee, with plenty of kick), reading a hysterical book entitled “you are worthless”, who’s “serenity prayer” goes like this:

“oh, lord, grant me the serenity to accept the fact that you are a figment of my imagination, the courage to face my miserable life without pretending you’re somehow there for me, and the wisdom to stop hanging up stupid prayer placards in my kitchen.”

amen

so, my drunken ramblings, according to the answering machine that greeted me when i got home on saturday evening; entitled a six pack of ways to know you PROBABLY shouldn’t be driving…

1. when you go to take a piss, you lean against the divider wall and pass out for about ten minutes while whizzing in the urinal. this is PARTICULARLY true if you happen to be female.

2. as you leave, a uniformed (off duty) bexar county sheriff’s deputy asks you if you’re ‘cool’. you respond with, “do you want me to tell you the truth, or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?”.

3. you sit in your car for ten minutes in the parking lot, and ponder aloud as if it were the final jeopardy question worth a million dollars: “if he had downed the two jumbo-sized frozen jack and cokes, and had very little food, and been stupid enough to pop THREE hydroxycut capsules on an empty stomach before doing so thus speedballing his metabolism and causing the booze to hit a LOT harder, what WOULD jesus do?”.

4. you babble off a nirvana lyric as number four and you’re ALREADY DRIVING at the time…

5. you think of drinking as jogging and actually feel you’ll get your second wind after a run away from the restaurant and therfore plan on adding yet more fuel to the fire upon your return….(okay, that one proved to be pretty true, actually)

6. you leave yourself babbling messages on your own answering machine as notes on six reasons you probably shouldn’t be driving home…WHILE driving. and take EIGHT messages to get the SIX things out. and you STILL don’t make it home till twenty-two hours later, but damn it you do so sober. okay, i added that last part just now…it’s my page. i can do that…

0 comments… add one

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Next post:

Previous post: