twofer tuesday – life sucks, then you give your doggies up for adoption

sadly, the title is almost kinda accurate…

…but hopefully not.

this will be two little bits, but kinda combined into one bit, so it won’t seem like a REAL twofer, but it basically is – just work with me, people…

…anywho, there is a certain type of man who sleeps in two hour spurts. it’s a called a “new dad”. i am not a new dad. can’t find a woman stupid enough to marry me, let alone have kids. welcome to my world – don’t get me started. of course, “new dad” can also refer to someone who has a new four-legged friend in their home. i have three. and the youngest has been here for four years – so scrath that theory. yet i’m only allowed to sleep in two hour blocks lately, and that’s fucked up.

it all started about two weeks ago…all of a sudden, at around midnight (i’d gone to sleep around 10pm or so) there was what could only be described as a “doggy eruption”. a barking fit, by a single dog, that given the volume, intensity, and magnitude, could only mean the only reason i heard only ONE dog of three barking was because the other two had just been killed in front of that one and now the killer was heading my way. i sprung out of bed and…nothing. no masked killer. no gang of teenage thugs. shit, not even a stray cat on the porch. nada. nothing. zip. zero. zilch. i told them to shut up, and went back to bed.

it happened again at 2am. i tried to ignore it, but after TEN FUCKING MINUTES i went out and adressed the issue. loudly. all was quiet on the western front…

…until 4am. lather, rinse, repeat. fuck this. then my alarm went off at 4:45am. gee, wonder why work (and sales) have sucked so bad lately. this went on for almost EIGHT FUCKING WORK DAYS until i took time off for xmas. at some point, i started using an exagerated version of the shane method (he uses a squirt bottle – i use a super soaker) to no avail. still got woken up every two hours, then i took five days off for xmas and all was quiet (might have had to do with the new bedtime of 2am versus 10pm). then last night (sunday night, that is) it all started again. i’m gonna try a few more things, but if it comes down to a doggy (even if it’s copper) has to go or i never get to sleep a full night again, the puppy population will be dropping accordingly.

i’ll let y’all get first pick if it comes down to that…and speaking of work sucking…

(told you it would be a twofer)

i’m on a plan at work i call the “rock your shit or pack your shit” plan. it literally means if you’re not doing a shitload better within thirty days (end of january in this case) you are one of the few, the proud, the jobless. when i pointed out that this was a sixty day plan and that i was four weeks in with NO support from my other account team members OR my manager (who’s out this week) i was told that we would discuss it next week (great – you’re gonna have the “come to jesus” chat during week FIVE of an eight week plan? glad my resume’s up to date…) and that if other people (including my manager) weren’t pulling their weight it wasn’t THEIR fault but rather MY fault for not MAKING THEM do their job. so i don’t do mine, i get fired – they don’t do theirs, and it’s still MY fault and i get fired…

…i fucking HATE corporate america. anybody know of a cool place hiring after the first of the year? at this point i’ll probably relocate and say fuck it – i’m single, childless, and as along as ME can still reach me by phone and i fly back to get drunk with shane every couple weeks i doubt anyone around here will notice me gone, really…let me know where to forward my resume.