a glimpse behind the curtain here…
…as this is posting i’m in the okc with the ufc – and i’d written all up to it and a few after it fairly far in advance so i could have an actual mental break from EVERYTHING.
(‘cept thinking about the money i’m losing not working this weekend but never mind that now)
so since we’re in oklafuckinhoma i figured i’d bring you a sixer of random oklahoma shit. fun, huh? well, neither is oklahoma (unless you’re with the right person, of course…)
this state has the dubious distinction of being the only place i almost got a felony. wrongfully deserved, but what can you do? i know this has been mentioned before…i had been rented a cadillac ’cause i knew a guy AND they were out of the sized car i’d requested – but it was brand new, and while they removed the dealer plate they didn’t have the bolts to put the real one on, so they just put it in the back window, where it proceeded to just slip out of view. now i had no plates, which in oklafuckinhoma means you also aren’t showing any registration or inspection – couple that with the car being brand new and only blocks from the cadillac dealership and any cop would think it was stolen – and the one that got behind me did and tried to bust me for it. i showed him the rental agreement. we laughed. then i took a picture of him holding said agreement AND the plate that wasn’t mounted while shaking his finger at the camera and showed THAT to the guy at enterprise. can you say free rentals and then some? his boss could!
they know they’re lame
most aspire to greatness – oklahoma simply seeks to be “okay”. hell, it used to even be on their license plates! how good can they be?
best smoke deal EVER!
i was sent to one of the “smoke shops” on indian land only to find out that their cigarettes were all of about fifty cents a pack cheaper than normal places (with all the government fees now that delta might be greater) and right as i was about to leave empty-handed i asked about cigars. “oh, we have some left over from when they were popular we just can’t get rid of – back next to the humidifier”…apparently not realizing cigars, unlike cigarettes, get BETTER with age when stored properly (which these were) a box of twenty-five cohiba robustos ($8 a piece back then, more now) were $60. needless to say i didn’t leave empty handed!
i learned not to suck it from a pregnant hooter’s girl in tulsa
this isn’t nearly as dirty as the title makes it sound…but who’s shocked by that? short version – i went to hooter’s after working a show ’cause…well…eating options are slim at 10pm on a sunday in the shadow of oral robert’s university; but there had just been a lot of wrasslin’ on the t-v, and so they were sold out of the “drumstick” wings completely. hooter’s – out of wings. that’s fucked up. but they did have the “flapper” part, which i’d only seen people suck the meat off of (usually not easily or with great success) but a pregnant hooter’s girl (some shit you just can’t make up) taught me how to twist the bones out and end up with a chicken nugget. forever changed how i eat chicken.
i’d blame her “ugly” on oklafuckinhoma but then shirley would have no excuse
so i guess we’ll just blame photoshop? i met shirley manson (from the band garbage) ages ago (1997 or so) and while she as attractive, she was not NEARLY as stunning in person as i’d thought. wouldn’t push her away or anything, just not AS stunning. well, amy from evanesence proved to be a very similar situation in oklahoma. just sayin’.
she must REALLY love me…
’cause the ufc, who’s from frickin’ VEGAS, and went to college in new zealand, was excited about us going to oklafuckinhoma…and i KNOW it can’t be ’cause of oklafuckinhoma!