oh, elina…here we go again!

so, do people actually fall for this shit?

on the upside, at least they always make her out to be pretty…

i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again – i’m surprised these kind of emails still go out as i wonder who would think somebody would email you unsolicited claiming “you’re the one” and all…that being said, i guess if they didn’t occasionally find their mark we’d never see these at all, right?

and again, if anybody reading this is actually in any way responsible for this shit, for a small fee i can make this into something that actually WORKS and, most importantly, convey your message in ACTUAL CONVERSATIONAL ENGLISH versus this obvious google translation that, while all readable, doesn’t even come close to the way modern people (or older generations, for that matter) speak.

here’s what i got:

Hi there, bunny! How are you bearing up?
red flag number one – “bunny”? i can only assume whatever country this originated their pet term (“babe”, “honey”, etc) translates into “bunny” in english? that to me says russian, but that’s just going off the awesome movie ‘red’

What do you think of friendship, nice conversations and serious relationship?
what a generic question – does anybody not like this, with the exception of the word “serious”? again, if your target audience is single guys in their parent’s basement wiping doritos crumbs off their “call of duty” hoodie i suppose that’s not an issue…

My name is Elina! I am young girl full of live.
sadly, this is as close as we get to normal english…

I do not suffer from hypocritical norms of social behavior or harmful habits.
i’m thinking this translated from their version of “i’m drug and disease free”? or “i’m not a party girl”? again, if you say it to yourself in a thick russian accent this jives out that i’ve probably guessed where it’s from.

I ‘m looking for a kind fellow, who will be able to make me his in all meanings of this utterence.
this, along with the previous line, would be my prime examples of why they should hire me to write this shit…i know what all those words mean apart, but together? and i’m fairly bright from what i’m told…hell, i’m even sober while reading this! (don’t judge – it’s not even 8am yet…that’s gonna change!)

We will be able to chat and upload our pics.
and all of a sudden the girl who doesn’t “suffer from hypocritical norms of social behavior or harmful habits” is gonna show you her goodies? she went from ‘prude princess’ to ‘drunk slut’ in three seconds flat? my kinda girl!

I would be happy to start a conversation with you if you are interested in it.
I ‘m waiting for your answer to my letter.
Write me asap, please! I could make you interested.
Ur tender girl Elina!
okay, so i felt like this was dragging out…the first is the only one that sounds odd, i feel they kinda nailed the rest – and i like the “i could make you interested”, which to me hints at more nudie pics…

i got one of these once and kept it going for a while. still have all the back ‘n forth saved. amazing what i do for you people in the name of research. assuming the last one was pretty typical, from here she tells you how she wants you, will make all your dreams come true, and so forth – but you have to help her get extrodited from wherever she is and she wants to send you the money to do it but needs your bank account info for wire transfer info…or, the more direct ones say they need YOU to pay out of pocket and they will so make it worth your while…again with the nookie hints. i have the ufc – no girl, foreign or domestic, can out-fuck THAT.

period.

but again, if anybody who stumbles upon this knows how to get me in touch with these people i will happily write their stuff for them for a small fee…and we’ll use paypal for the money transfers, thank you.

account’s under ‘sean@astrowhore.org’ (how’s that for easy to remember?). send me deposit and we’ll get this started…