20 + 40 = duche!

people try and tell me “age is just a number”, and that’s a load of shit…

…a little background here.

i didn’t have my first really serious girlfriend until i was out of college. truth. girls in high school didn’t really like me. girls in college didn’t seem to really like me either. this one did – she was redheaded stripper who was six years my junior (but still the legal age of eighteen i should quickly add) and for some reason i still thought this would work.

dopey me. and i say this knowing that, all these years later, we’re still in touch and she still reads this site. hell, this is being written after i just sent her a happy birthday text, as today she turns thirty-five. and again, we went out when she was eighteen (and turned nineteen while we were dating – the first time).

so, yeah…at least we stayed friends.

at one point i found myself in paper bear, a shop with a very eclectic mix of…well…almost everything in san marcos. i was there making a necklace for my sister for her birthday (i went through a real artsy craftsy phase right after my mom died for some reason; i suppose we all deal with our grief in our way). a woman there asked if it was for my girlfriend, and when I said it was for my sister, asked if i actually had a girlfriend.

in hindsight, she was probably cougar-ing me a bit.

i said yes, and somehow her age came up (i was twenty-four at the time, she was eighteen). i was asked how i felt about “raising her”, which i was told was exactly what i was doing because just ’cause she was legal age, and just ’cause she had “lived a full life” up to that point did NOT mean i wasn’t going to have to “raise” her in the sense that my life, as sheltered as i may felt it was (i didn’t), was more extensive…

…except for that “sheltered” shit she was right.

so now that i’m forty, i find myself not wanting to be with anybody under thirty – and the closer to my age the better. what’s odd is i’m forty, i’ve never been married, and i’ve never had kids…but if i find a woman my age who also has never been married and never had kids i wonder, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!”

and as i’m still single, i guess they wonder the same thing.

but lately it seems the closer to forty-one i get the younger the girls that are picking up on me (sorta) are getting. latest two are twenty-two (as of a week and some change ago) and (gasp) nineteen.

what the fuck? is it wrong that my first thought (after “damn, she’s pretty fucking hot!”) is “i’m old enough to be her dad – what the fuck is her issue?”.

i’ve been told on numerous occasions by numerous people (most of which were co-workers or random bar staff that have no reason to suck up, blow smoke up my ass (literally or figuratively), or hit on me) that i don’t look my age. that i get. for forty, i look pretty fucking good – and feel i can say that and not sound TOTALLY conceited. but i can’t help but feel like a lecherous fuck (or at least a mid-grade douche) when a girl around half my age (or less) gives me her number and i actually use it…

…do i have a problem? a hang-up? this is being written mid-february…be interested to see where this is by the time it actually posts. hell, maybe one of these girls will be living here and wondering what this whole “write on the whore” thing means…