this probably says a lot…
…but lately i’ve been posting a lot of old entries that have to do with either being fired or staying unemployed. is this something i’m secretly craving? i dunno…but this bit, from only six weeks after i started writing the site, is still pretty fucking funny to me.
03/13/2002: “gotcha covered…”
okay, so a couple of weeks ago i did a piece on here about how to fail job applications, and the mail started to roll in…but not with more suggestions. with complaints.
“dude, all my friends are unemployed software people, but i can only get unemployment if i’m fired, so i can’t quit…what should i do? i wanna sit around my buddies place getting stoned and watchin ricki lake…any sure-fire ways to get me the hell outta here?”
brother, i got you covered. normally, i only do five or six suggestions, but i did a full ten shot on these because they, in taco bell hot sauce terms, “go from mild to wild”. some of these you need balls of steel for (and i’m not just talking about the balls on the barbell through the head of my…well…never mind) i mean gutz. with a capital “Z”. others are pretty mild. but all should be pretty effective; remember, getting fired WAS your goal if you did any of these…so don’t blame me. but let me know what jerry’s final thought was, okay?
1. subscribe to the sickest, most perverted pornography you can have sent through the mail; and have it sent in your name to the office.
2. constantly refer to your boss’s assistant as, “chester” for no particular reason (especially helpful if your boss’s assistant is female)
3. have all inbound UPS and Fed Ex packages sent to you say, “[Your Name], c/o HELL” followed by the address.
4. spend an inordinant amount of time browsing the glock website, eyeing your cube-mate, and mumbling to yourself
5. sneak into the office early in the morning, and leave the following four items on your bosses desk:
a. your business card
b. a used female thong
c. a used condom
d. a VIP card from the nearest topless bar
okay, so that one might not work…hell, it MIGHT get you a raise and a promotion. but that can be good too, right? let’s move on…
6. replace the dilbert coffee mug that is ever present on your desk with a bottle of jack daniels and a single shot glass that has the words “kill the pain” scrawled on it.
7. respond to every other memo or project request with a stamp you have made that simply says, “not paid enough to care”
8. actually make up the “rules” sheet from the movie fight club and leave it in the office copy machine
9. cone off your boss’s parking space, roll in a smoker, and have a nooner bar-b-que.
10. show up to work every thursday dressed up as your favorite cartoon character…or better yet, as neil diamond circa the “jazz singer” movie…