so, it’s been almost spot on a week since the rapture was supposed to have occurred…
…how’s hell on earth workin’ out for you?
to show how up on current events i am, i had no idea this was happening. never heard a word about it…well, until THAT day. no time to prep. no time to plan. just time to let the chips fall where they may. Mom always said there was a lot of good in me, so maybe i’d go. i’ve always joked that due to my indiscretions up to this point in my life i flat out KNOW i’m going to hell, but at this point i’m just trying to get a good table and decent parking.
(when you go out in downtown austin you realize decent parking just can’t be BOUGHT – it has to be karmically EARNED)
what shocked me two days after rapture day was that there was actually a big fuck-all billboard in kyle (fastest growing town in texas (literally) between austin and san marcos):
not only was the rapture coming, but the bible GUARANTEED it according to this. who could argue with that kind of thing?
i guess that’s why people emptied out their bank accounts. put their pets to sleep (apparently the movie lied and all dogs do NOT go to heaven. in fact, none do…which i’d call bullshit on right there!) there was a lady that felt SHE would get raptured, but her slutty teenage daughters would NOT. so, to “save” them from living in the fiery shit after mom got “called home to jesus” as the southern folk like to say, she slit both their throats. than, realizing that what she did meant she would now NOT get raptured she slit her own.
that’s just fucked up.
the people that really profited from this weren’t the people that predicted it – it was the atheists. some of them set up a website whereby, for $135, you could have a pet looked after by a godless heathen who knew he wasn’t getting called up anyway and that way you didn’t need to worry about them after you did…the site stated there were NO refunds, but that if the rapture DID happen within ten years of you paying you knew your pooch or pussy (latter meant in the feline not vaginal sense of the word) was well taken care of.
they literally made tens of thousands of non-refundable dollars. scarcely known truth – p.t. barnum is often credited with coining the phrase “a fool and his money are soon parted”, but i hear he didn’t actually come up with it. regardless, whoever did hit the nail square on the head (crucifixion pun intended) with this bunch of morons.
what spooked me was rapture eve. here in central texas we had one HELL of a storm (yes, that pun was intentional, too). long after the yellow sky was gone from austin and i could tell the atx (at least around the shop) would have a peaceful night (old expression Grandma taught me – “red skies at night, sailor’s delight…”) i was getting texted that lockhart was getting ass-raped with rain, wind, and even some hail. that’s not cool. i went on a website i knew that had live weather AND a weather station in lockhart and wished i’d gotten a screen shot. the picture was almost indecipherable but worse than that were the stats – it said it was 175 degrees with a windchill of NEGATIVE 159.
yes, you read that right – one-hundred and seventy-five degrees with a windchill of negative one-hundred and fifty-nine. that’s some apocalyptic shit, yo.
the next day the screen shot looked like this for l-town’s weather station:
gray. overcast. but at least you could see the courthouse, unlike the night before where it was all just a messy blur. and while it’s one-hundred and forty-seven degrees, at least there’s only two-percent humidity. so it’s a dry heat. that’s not hell on earth weather – just vegas in july kinda weather. that high at midnight though? nine-hundred and some change degrees? well, i guess that explains why my a/c never kicked to “off” on friday night.
but all kidding aside, we survived it. and the guy that predicted it and caused all the mayhem? as of this writing his website is dark, his voicemail is full and won’t take messages, and he’s disappeared. so either he was the ONLY ONE “called home to jesus” or he realized he made a colossal, catastrophic fuck up that ’caused a few people (and several pets) their lives. and we’re still here.
here’s what scares me…
this one was minor. not a lot of people had heard of this, and the majority of those who did chalked it up to doomsday cult, “drink the kool-aid” kind of lunacy. but a LOT of people have put stock in that whole december 21st, 2012 bullshit. like i predict Christmas shopping numbers are low next year initially ’cause nobody thinks we’ll even SEE Christmas that year kinda low…how bad will the ferver be then? and how bad can i dog on y’all in the bit that goes up the next day? shit, i’m already writing this one…
(and now a bit of blasphemy to wrap this up)