the most fucked up thing i’ve ever seen (a.k.a. “the body builder bit” – don’t you just LOVE alliteration? i do!!!)

how to approach this?

the quick version for those in a hurry:

last friday i walked in on a man using the communal hair dryer in gold’s gym locker room on his own ass.

(there – those of you with hectic lives know the answer to the title and can move on. people sometimes say i’m too wordy, so i thought i’d accommodate you fuckers for once)

the explanation?

well, from what i was told it’s a body builder thang – i wouldn’t understand. and by that i mean i’m NOT a body builder, which just glancing at me is pretty obvious. apparently it aids in definition AND cutting weight to get your skin a little dry before weigh in. so, when i walked out of the locker room to start my workout i see this guy in front of mirror, shirt off, really cut and muscular, running what for all the world looks like his visa check card up and down his arms like a squeegee blade.

one thing i’ve learned in ten years of working out in public gyms is ask as FEW questions as possible of the other guys in the locker room, particularly when they’re at least half naked.

so, i walk out and do my workout, foregoing cardio so i’m not all sweaty and gross for work. or at least that’s my friday excuse. so i get done with the weightlifting portion of the day and walk back in the locker room to change and head to the shop and what do i see? same guy as before, ‘cept now there’s no “skin squeegee” or whatever the fuck the visa-looking thing was and instead his pants are around his ankles, he’s in a blue velvet thong, and he’s using the wall-mounted communal hair dryer, but instead of having it pointed at his head it’s pointed at his ass cheek as he poses in front of the mirror…

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?”, i say, a lot calmer than that bold all-caps text would indicate.

clearly caught off guard, the guy almost drops the hair dryer as he spins around to face me.

“i can see how this might look a little off”, he says in a strong southern drawl.

“no”, i reply, “this is several notches beyond ‘a little off’…this is plain fucked up!”

he goes on to explain the whole all-natural body builder thang, and that drying the skin like this cuts weight AND adds definition for weigh-in and what not. made sense when all was said and done, but i advised him that other people (clearly not me) use that hair dryer and that while it wasn’t actually TOUCHING his ass that others might find the whole a thing “a bit off” if not “completely fucked up”. i then wished him luck on his weekend competition and answered his eatery questions as the aforementioned southern drawl came from the fact he drove in from arkansas to compete.

(i should hastily note that chatting with a man clad in just a blue velvet thong even seems off to me, and i’m pretty open-minded)

as i went to leave he reached out his hand to shake mine. i declined. he retracted his hand realizing his ensemble, combined with his actions the two times i’d seen him made that a bit more than just “off”.

who said guys don’t communicate worth a shit?