eve is close enough, right?

there’s a mother’s day bit i’ve always wanted to do…

…and in truth i might have already done, but after the great archival wipeout of 2008 (which is why the mast head hints i’ve been doing this site since 2k2 but the archives mysteriously don’t start till spring of 2k8) i wasn’t able to find it, so i’ll have to assume i didn’t do it.

(this assumption is faulty at best, as i KNOW i did a “dating quiz” on the site you were supposed to be able to print up and give to perspective suitors of either sex that you met online and then grade their answers off my key in an attempt to know if you needed to run fast or not – i know this ’cause shane read it when i re-posted it and commented, “so, basically just don’t date me and you’re cool”, which was NOT the theme of it, although it hindsight it excluded him, ME, and several other regular readers who, at the time, found it to be funny…but, i digress.)

the first time i was ever published (pre-web, when you had to actually be on paper and shit) was on may 11th, 1989, in a mother’s day essay contest i did for extra credit in my senior english class in high school that i didn’t even know was an essay contest (as with voicemail today, i tend to absorb just enough to THINK i know what’s going on and delete the rest, which has fucked me in a not-so-fun way on more than one occasion, but this is how the gemini mind works sometimes). basically, i saw “extra credit” and “essay about your mom” and that was all i needed. the word restriction was minimal (100 words or less) so i cranked it out off the top of my head in under ten minutes (including prep AND writing time) dropped on mrs. hank’s desk on my way out, and figured, “there – that’ll help the ol’ average”.

less than a week later i was technically a published author.

and while the cliche “mom would be so proud of me” comes to mind, in this case she was for the dual reasons of…

a. it was a bit that was, quite literally, all about her
b. she got free shit

to explain the latter, in addition to the admiration of moms across the greater caldwell county area for having your maternal skillz praised in the county paper, you also got a dozen roses and some kind of “spa gift pack” whatever the hell that meant in the ’80’s. all i know was she was really happy, i looked like a total sweetheart (which was quite the opposite of my appearance at the time) and she saved about a dozen copies of that paper, none of which could be found to my recollection when i wanted to make a whore bit out of this. TELLING the story is all well and good, but without the original bit from 1989 there’s no good close to it now, is there?

then i started cleaning out my hoarder grandmother’s house. she saved EVERYTHING. i found programs from fourth grade stuff i was in. a few layers up i found the may 11th caldwell county citizen (now defunkt) which contained the winning essays from all grade levels…and the high school level one went like this:

there’s a guy i know. six years into his life (almost twelve years ago) his mom became both the mother and the father of the family. they moved to a new town and started over. within the last ten years in this new town the lad has grown into adulthood. along this journey a woman has kept him in line. she has given him food to eat, clothes to put on his back, and more love than he could ever deserve. when he as down, she cheered him up, and never asked for anything in return. the guy’s me…thanks, Mom

in hindsight this really isn’t that good. i could do much better now. but at the time it was pretty impressive. and so, to close, i leave you with the picture that marks the first (and last, most likely) time i ever did one of those facebook viral ideas where you post a pic of your mom if you had a good one. i did, so i used a pic from a happy time in her life – her senior picture from travis high school, austin, texas, class of 1958:

and again, thanks mom…