run, forest, run

motherfuck the austin marathon…

…and any of you little fuckers that participated in it.

last year i didn’t know what to expect – and my forty-five minute commute to the shop took two and a half hours. this year i THOUGHT i had a plan…went the way the finally let me through last year only for APD to tell me i’d be waiting “at least an hour” at that crossing and directed me to another one, so ten minutes later i was parked (car turned off and everything) on burnet road and essentially sat there for forty-five minutes before i had the thought to go online on my notebook, download the course map, and try and figure out the actual way to avoid this bullshit, which once i had it in front of me took under five minutes and even though i had to make a big sweeping loop back down south from whence i came twenty-five minutes later i was at the shop.

if i’d taken the time to look at the map closer last night i would been here in forty-five minutes per usual, but we were too busy and by the time i got home i was too tired.

thought i’d know better for next year but the boss said next year we’ll just shitcan the whole thing and open at 2pm. works better for me, getting to sleep in and all, but we’ll see if that’s still the plan next year…this is not my first marathon run-in (no pun intended) and they always leave a bad taste in my mouth. why? let’s look at that for a minute…

six reasons i fucking hate marathons

1. the people – runners, by and large, just annoy me. they shave their whole bodies, wear the sissiest clothes available (more on that in a sec), and brag about being able to cover a mile in “x” amount of time. my car goes faster – guaranteed. want to REALLY feel the burn? step a bit closer while i reach for my zippo…

2. the attire – the shoes aside, which tend to be comfortable, running wear is just stupid. the smallest, lightest shorts and tank tops available? can’t do it in shorts long enough to hide your sack? really? that extra two ounces of fabric makes THAT big a deal to your ninety-six pound ass?

3. the purpose – when there’s a charity? where all the money goes to SOMETHING? i guess that’s okay…help out a cause. to my knowledge today’s was just about making my life shitty…

4. the inconvenience – shutting down half a city so folks can run in the streets en mass is just stupid. period.

5. the whole fucking concept – i mean really, NOBODY needs to RUN 26.2 miles. why would you? is there money at the end? fame? ass? booze? weed? if the answer is “none of the above” how was the journey worth it, let alone on foot and at a rapid pace? fuck all that…

6. the solution? – i’ve always been told going off about something without proposing a solution is futile and pointless, so without further ado…

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  • Shane Feb 28, 2011 @ 9:39

    Time to drop a little history (legend really). The first marathon runner was a Greek messenger. After a defeat of a Persian invasion a runner was sent 26.2 miles from Marathon to Athens. According to history (or legend) he made the historic run, raised his fist and shouted “Nike!” (which means victory, not I need a pair of over priced shoes made by third world children for pennies a day) and dropped fucking dead.

    Gotta love all the useless facts rolling around in my head…now if I could just remember where I left my car keys!