and now it’s time for everyone’s favorite astrowhore game show…
…how can be so smart and do something so stupid?
check this shit out:
i woke up the other morning and thought my eyes had healed themselves and i no longer needed glasses or contacts. true story. i put the dogs out, and went back to get ready. i put the right contact in and all was well – but when i put the left one in all seemed hazy and out of focus. i thought it was just blurry, so i pulled it out, washed it with saline, and put it back in – still blurry and out of focus.
resolving to myself that it was just a bad lens, i grabbed another left one (viva disposables!) and put it in. walking around the house things still seemed a bit off, so i decided it just wasn’t a contact day, pulled ’em both out and flicked them in the trash. when i got in the car i put on my glasses – but still things seemed off. i just drove into austin in virtual haze, and half way up through traffic took off my glasses to rub my eyes and realized i could see better without them then with them…
…it’s a miracle!!!
i went through most of my morning at work marveling in this, telling people (both co-workers and customers) about it, and they all agreed that they had HEARD of such a thing happening, but never witnessed it, let alone known the person it happened to.
i felt special.
but then i went to the gym. while on one of the chest machines i was rubbing my left eye and noticed if i looked with my right one at the clock it was blurry as all fuck – but with the left it was CRYSTAL clear, and with both it was pretty much in focus. i did something any mom would tell you NOT to do – i stuck my finger in my left eye and slid it to the left…everything went out of focus until i blinked, felt the lens move in my eye, and then it went back to crystal clear…
…so much for that miracle shit.
lest you think i am SO stupid that i slept with a lens in and forgot the next morning, i remember distinctly, around guinness number three (ain’t shane proud reading that?) going back to take a whiz and pulling my contacts – i remember ’cause i flicked the right one in the toilet and said, “one”, flicked the left one in and said, “two”, and then peed on them as i said, “three”.
childish as hell, i admit – but it does help me remember i pulled my lenses before i went to sleep. plus, i put my glasses on after that, and everything was in focus then…
…so here’s my new “miracle theory”.
somehow TWO lenses were accidentally put in that one blister pack, and i put them both in at once (for anyone who’s never used disposable contacts they are extremely thin) so everything was blurry. when i would pull a lens, though, i would only pull one, so i never noticed two were in – so one stayed in the whole time, even when a second was put on top of it, etc, etc.
again, not my brightest moment…but at least i got a rational explanation when all was said and done, and could skip church and sleep in on easter sunday with minimal guilt.