cough syrup

i have been told on more than one occasion that when i walk down the street with a girl i should be the one on the outer edge of the sidewalk. personally, i always thought it was a thinly veiled way to make sure that if a drunk driver edged the curve, i’d be the one taking the hit…but was told that it was because in mejico when a guy walks down the street with a girl between him and the road it’s because he’s trying to turn her out…i.e., he’s her pimp and he’s putting his wares on display that way. but here’s what bugs me…i realized last night that whenever kramer and i walk someplace, he always puts me on the outside. is he trying to turn me out? is he taking this whole “astroWHORE” thing a bit too seriously? am i kramer’s bitch?

of course not…i’m NOBODY’S bitch.

but i digress…
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two men and a chainsaw

last night, shortly after posting the rather hostile (and pleasantly so) “bitter…” entry, i was just about to fade away (sometimes it’s NOT better to burn out) when i heard a rumbling thud…thinking it was calum and buffie wrestling (calum slamming into the door frame of the utility room can make the same noise) i yelled out, “BOY!!! chill…”, and passed out. this morning i found out i owed calum an apology…a big hug and two biscuits later and i THINK all is forgiven…

last year i got a home equity loan…and the insurance people who came to look at the house had only one request…”lose the branch”. see, i had a tree that had partially dropped a fifteen foot limb on the yard, and i had cut it down (with a hand saw, i might add) and then laid it across my driveway (hehehe…i said “laid”) and waited to borrow a friend’s chainsaw that never arrived, and it just kinda ended up sitting there. well, the tree that did that to me last year has finally decided it needed to go; and not in the direction i thought it would.

on saturday (don’t you just LOVE how my timeline jumps around) i heard sawing and found out my neighbor was getting her trees, and to a degree, some of MY trees trimmed. when i walked out to talk to the guys, and was walking back in, i noticed the half of the fork that had lost that branch a year ago looked totally dead, and hung over a small corner of the house. “shit,” i thought to myself, “that’s gonna go anytime now…i need to just cut that half off, ’cause the MUCH larger (twenty to thirty feet from the main trunk and fifteen inches around) half still looks okay.

now i know why i’m NOT an arborist…

the noise i heard last night was the aforementioned MUCH larger half splitting the trunk right down the middle as it came to a some what airborne resting place…THE ROOF OF MY HOUSE!!! there doesn’t appear to be any damage, but time will tell. a quick call or two found that cost on removal is around $500+; but the more i look at it, the more i’m pretty sure i can do this…i just need three things…a few hours, a friend about my strength level, and a chainsaw…

hello, jim…

the salutation on the phone call once i found out he had the free time…

“dude, just come over…bring the chainsaw…and let’s work out our tensions of the last few years destroying a really big, dead-ass tree. then i’ll buy you lunch…”

fuck dionne warwick…THAT’S what friends are for…power-fueled destruction, fun, and brisket at the end. and then i go to the office, work a bit, get my tool tickets (providing they did make it in today’s mail), and split to sa…do i know how to party or what?

nature – 0, sean & jim – 1

…so, jim arrived around 10:30. chainsaw in hand. i was chilling with copper in the den when i heard the rumble of a diesel engine in the driveway…which was odd, ’cause jim’s truck ISN’T a diesel. it was a tow truck. here to haul that blue piece of shit out of my driveway (those of you who know the story can appreciate this). and here i thought the day couldn’t get any better…

“as we discussed, the city had a hearing and this was declared a ‘j.v.’ (as in junk vehicle…not second string high school athletics); so this man’s gonna haul it away,” said the guy from the city, motioning towards the man in the tow truck.

“how much is it gonna cost me?”, i inquired. “nothing,” he responded…”it’s your tax dollars at work”. “is it wrong to hug another man in public?”, i asked. “well, if you don’t, i’ll get this car out of the way faster,” he fired back.

deal.

then it was chainsaw time…we chewed through the teeth on one chain completely (i bought a new one, though) and it took another of my vacation days since we started at 10:30, but didn’t finish ’till 3:30 in the afternoon. no blood, no tears, but plenty of sweat…partially from the nervousness when we dropped a big limb (about 18 feet and 450 lbs) that i had secured a rope to and i had to put all my weight behind it so it didn’t crush in the corner of my roof (but if they hadn’t moved that car this morning, that would have crushed it. DAMN…maybe i should have told them to come back tomorrow on that…) and partially from when we had to flip over the thick part of the fork that HAD been leaning up against the roof, which was about twelve feet long and twelve inches thick and was still alive and wet enough to weigh about five to six hundred pounds…tilting that up on end and over was just fun.

when it was all said and done, we reduced about a forty foot high tree with significant house-threatening (and fence-threatening) spreadage to a two foot stump. perfect for the leprechaun to perch on as he tells me what to do…